Wednesday, July 23, 2008

An open letter to Alanis Morissette

My dear Alanis,

I simply do not know what to say in times like these. For years I have loved you and your music. For many albums I have emasculated myself, swallowed my pride, and simply bought your CDs from the pimple-faced cashier at the music store. I can't remember a time I didn't keep a bag packed in case you swung by and wanted to elope-- It has been that long. But now that you've unleashed Flavors of Entanglement upon the world I don't know if we can be together.

I know you've always been a bit preachy, but it was something I was willing to work on. That being said, "Citizens of the Planet" simply cannot stand. I must put my foot down. Recognizing that we're all in this (read: planet) together, one simply cannot barge into the discussion with so much schmaltz. It must be handled with some finesse or even originality.

"Underneath" may sound fine to the average radio-listener (as it sounds like every other single out in the ether), but as a song from you, it is disappointing. You needn't use such processed music! You are good enough on your own with an understated guitar and a good melody.

The whole album is an out-of-character barrage of poor poetry and misplaced techno beats. You don't do techno! Just because everyone else uses a drum machine doesn't mean that you should too. And the lyrics you've managed to come up with this time seem uninspired.

"With not much making sense just yet/I'm faking it 'till I'm pseudo-making it"

"Pseudo-making it?" What is that? Next time you have the desire to add the prefix "pseudo" to anything except "science," please consult a thesaurus first. I know you're having a hard time with your engagement broken off and all that, but please realize two things: 1) Strong emotions are not an excuse for bad lyrics and 2) this is a sign that we are meant to be. In fact celebration is in order rather than a mournful album.

In short, Alanis, I feel that this album is not a mark against you as an artist, but more a lapse in coherent thought during a time of distress. I know you'll do better and please call me soon-- My girlfriend is coming and have to hide this...

My Deepest Love,


Highpoints: "In Praise of the Vulnerable Man," "Torch," "Incomplete."
Lowpoints: "Strait Jacket," "Not as We," "Moratorium."
Final Grade: C-

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